Two Fears

One of the predominant emotions that characterized our marriage before the affair was fear. Fear is something we usually equate with traumatic events or circumstances. But fear grips more of our heart than we are often willing to admit.  I lived most of my married life with a spirit of fear:

Fear of being found out

Fear of being rejected

Fear of being misunderstood

Fear of being proven wrong

Fear of being hurt

Fear of being let down

There is a reason that the Bible says, “There is no fear in love. For perfect love drives out fear.” Without allowing perfect love to drive out fear, we compromise intimacy in our marriage and relationships. Each of us have to decide if we are going to allow fear to set the limits of our marriage.

Here are two fears that prevent intimacy in marriage.

1. Most wives fear offering their husbands unconditional love.

If you offer your love without condition then what will defend you from hurt? If you offer all of your heart to your husband, without condition, then what if it isn’t reciprocated? If you offer unconditional love to your husband, then what move can you make to get revenge; to get your way; to be heard or valued?

Most wives offer their love, but it comes with conditions. Conditions give you leverage. Conditions give you power. Conditions give you rights. Conditions give you options.

2. Most husbands fear telling their wives the absolute truth.

If you share the truth with her, she’ll think less of you. If you admit your weakness then she’ll say she told you so. If you tell her about your porn addiction or your feelings for your co-worker, she may leave you. If you tell her that secret you’ve kept hidden for years, she may never trust you again.

Sharing part of the truth protects you. Sharing half of the truth maintains your image. Being partially honest gives you options.

For the past five years, I’ve come to a crossroads often: give into fear and withhold truth or overcome fear and be completely honest. Despite being fearful, I’ve shared brutal truth with Trisha. She knows the dark parts of me. She knows the weak parts of me. She sees the worst of me. I have been scared to do that at times. The cost of giving into fear was greater than the cost of being transparent.

Trisha has chosen to overcome fear as well. Unconditional love left her defenseless five years ago. Fear of history repeating itself has crossed her mind more than once. Despite her fears, she has chosen unconditional love.  She’s promised to love me no matter what. That love has driven out fear.

Our marriage isn’t limited by each of us withholding something from the other because of fear.

Fear tells you to protect yourself. Fear says withhold some of the truth, just in case. Fear says to love with conditions because you might get hurt. What if we admitted fear? What if we overcame fear?

Would we ever feel we had to withhold truth?

Would we ever feel we had to put conditions on love?

Do you agree that most marriages deal with these two fears?