You Can't Afford Not To

Most of the time it is assumed that the biggest regret I have in our marriage is my choice to have an affair. The hurt was visible. The devastation was widespread. It must be my biggest regret. There is no doubt that I regret that choice every single day.

But the single worst mistake that I’ve made in our marriage is refusing to go to counseling. It is my biggest regret.

Years before the affair, Trisha asked me to go to counseling. She could tell that we were well beyond our experience and well beyond our ability to fix us. She asked, and I refused. I came up with every excuse there is: we don’t have time; we will get through it; I can make the changes I need to make; I’m a pastor, I don’t go to counseling, I give counsel. 

My biggest excuse: We can’t afford counseling. 

Every poor choice; every single mistake; every hidden sin-including the affair, was a consequence of my refusal to go to counseling. Would counseling have magically fixed our marriage? No. But my pride prevented our marriage from the healing that was possible.

Not going to counseling was like dying of cancer simply because I refused to go to the doctor.

RefineUs is a place where everyone can come as they are. This is a place where we acknowledge that everyone is broken and everyone needs healing. This is a place of grace and second chances. This is also a place where we speak the truth in love, knowing that it is only Truth that has the power to transform our hearts. I feel compeled to speak truth in love today.

I think every married couple should consider counseling. It is so helpful. But if your marriage is in trouble or you are contemplating divorce or separation, you can’t afford not to go to counseling.

The average divorce in the United States costs $15,000. Fifteen thousand. You could spend one hour a week in counseling for the next 3 years before you amassed that total. If you have kids, you can’t calculate the cost to them. Divorce, in every way, is much more expensive than counseling.

Should all marriages stay together? No. Can all marriages stay together? No. I know there are many marriages that end even though one spouse deeply desires to make it work.

But so many marriages end way too early and way too easily.

Your marriage is the most important human relationship you have. All other relationships flow out of the health or the dysfunction of your marriage. It is worth the fight!

When we don’t allow wisdom and truth into our life, we become a product of our own will and our own wisdom. For most of us, our own will and wisdom won’t bring about change. All of us need help.

My opinion on counseling: You can’t afford not to.

What is your opinion?