For those of you that follow us on Twitter or Facebook, it’s not news to you that we have moved this week. The house that we moved into in July 2009 was a rental house. The owners of the house wanted to sell it, and we didn’t want to buy it. So we found a house, and planned on moving within 30 days. When I met with our property manager, he said we could go ahead and be out by the 31^st. Which gave us 12 days.

It has been crazy.

We don’t have Internet at our new house until Monday…so our blog posting times may be a little inconsistent. We’ll be back to our regular schedule hopefully next week.

This is Trisha and my 13^th move in 15 years of marriage. Some of those were from one apartment to another, 7 of those were to different cities. We are done moving. We want to die in this house. (It too is a rental, but we have an option to buy it! Yea!)

So today, I thought I’d share with you a few things that I learned while moving on Tuesday.

1. We have more than we need.

We sold a bunch of stuff on Craigslist before we moved, we took a ton of stuff to the Goodwill before we moved, but we still have more than we need. I think it’s easy to forget this, at least for me, when I compare my stuff to other’s stuff. I tend to compare my stuff to people who have more than I do, and rarely compare my stuff to the billions of people who live below poverty. I was reminded how much I have and how thankful I should be.

2.  I long for home.

When we moved to Nashville last year, we moved from our dream home. We felt at home in our Indiana house.  We loved the schools, our neighbors, the location. But more than anything else, it felt like home. When we walked into this house a few weeks ago, Trisha said to me, “This feels like home.” I long for that feeling. Sadly, I’ve never stayed anywhere long enough to make this feeling a long lasting reality. I am praying that changes with this move. My kids long for home…Trisha longs for home. I think we are home.

3. We’re blessed with amazing friends.

I knew this…I was just reminded of this. The list is too long to type of how many people helped us move. We started moving at 4pm on Tuesday…by 8pm everything was out of our old house and in our new house. We had about 20 different people do all kinds of things…paint all day before we moved; clean our cabinets and bathrooms; load our stuff; bring their trucks and trailers so we didn’t have to rent a truck; bring us food; take our kids for pizza and Laser Tag so they weren’t bored out of their mind; put our beds together; clean our old house; celebrate with us!

We were blown away with the love and generous hearts of our friends. As I was drifting to sleep about 1:30 AM on Wednesday morning, I just thanked God for our friends.

So it’s your turn…have there been any events in your life recently that God used to remind you of something? Share with us!

When Trisha and I separated, more than anything else I wanted to know why our marriage imploded. More than anything else I wanted to know how we grew so far apart. More than anything else I wanted to figure out what I could do to make sure that if our marriage survived, this would never happen again.

A lot of couples have communication problems. Their conversations center around schedules or kids or “how was work?” They have a difficult time talking with one another. When they were dating, they’d stay up late and talk and laugh and dream, but now they only talk when they fight. We had communication issues.

There are so many couples that have problems in their marriage because of finances. They’ve mismanaged their money. They’ve put themselves in debt. They’ve made irresponsible decisions. Sometimes it has nothing to do with bad decisions and everything to do with a small salary and a growing family. We had so many problems in our marriage that revolved around money…not enough of it…accumulating debt…not being on the same page. Lots of problems.

Some couples have priority issues. They fail to prioritize one another. They have no problem working their schedule around business meetings and girls night out and fantasy football and Saturday morning soccer and dinner with friends and PTO meetings…but they fail to prioritize their most important earthy relationship…their spouse. We blew it in this area. We gave so many people, so many events, so many expectations priority over the other.

We talk to couples that have difficulty resolving conflict. They argue about the same things week after week, month after month, year after year. One spouse is passive aggressive while the other is a hot head and loses their temper. One spouse is aggressive and chases while the other is an avoider and tries to sweep issues under the carpet. We did a horrible job at resolving conflict.

A lot of couples have intimacy issues. Sex is infrequent. The withholding of sex is used as punishment. Husbands pursue their wives only when they want sex. Sex is seen only as a physical act and not an emotional and spiritual gift. We had so many arguments that revolved around our lack of understanding of one another in the area of intimacy.

Even with all of these issues, they weren’t the source of our marital problems. They probably aren’t the source of yours either.

More than communication; more than finances; more than priorities; more than conflict resolution; even more than sex:

Your relationship with God will affect your relationship with your spouse more than ANYTHING else.

You can try to communicate better…for a while. You can try to not argue about money and debt and who’s paying what bill..for a while. You can do your best to make your wife a priority…for a while. You can read a self-help book on conflict resolution and argue more effectively…for a while. You can overcome your sexual frustrations…for a while.

What we have realized in our own life is that when our personal relationship with God is sucking wind…so does our marriage. We have spent so much time and energy trying to fix all of these things in our marriage…when more than anything else, our relationship with God sets the tone and direction for every single area of our marriage.

Do you agree or disagree?

A few weeks ago, I had meeting a scheduled first thing in the morning. I arrived to this meeting with a set of expectations. I knew what I wanted to say in this meeting. I knew what I wanted to get out of this meeting. I knew what I wanted to leave with at the end of this meeting.

My vision was clear. My expectations were set.

As the meeting began, it was clear to me that my expectations weren’t going to be met. They were going to be exceeded. In fact, the longer the meeting went on, the more I realized just how small my thinking was. As we continued our discussion, I felt embarrassed…embarrassed by my small vision and my inability to see God’s larger movement.

The truth is that if I had gone into this meeting determined to have my expectations met, I would have left feeling satisfied. But I would have missed something so much bigger; so much better; so much more impactful.

I wonder how many times I’ve done that with God? I wonder how many times I’ve gone to God with my plan…my agenda…my vision…my expectations and demanded my way. I wonder how many times I’ve underwhelmed God with my expectations?

I wonder how many times my relationship with Him had an opportunity to go to a deeper level if I would have not demanded He meet my expectations but allowed myself to be overwhelmed by His?

Maybe you’ve resigned in your mind that your job will never fulfill you. You just need to put in your time. You can’t stand your boss. They don’t appreciate you. You feel like you’re wasting your life. So you expect very little. You give very little. You get very little in return. Maybe you are missing out on the eternal expectations God has for you in your career? Maybe your job sucks because you expect it to suck.

Maybe your relational world just consists of superficial relationships. You used to have high expectations of friendships…but over the course of time, disappointment and conflict and bitterness have realigned your expectations. Now you don’t expect much. You won’t be hurt if you don’t invest much. So you expect little…and little is what you are getting.

Maybe the reason that you are unimpressed and disinterested in your marriage these days is because you have underwhelming expectations. You just don’t expect it to be good anymore. If you don’t get your hopes up, then you won’t be disappointed. So you sacrifice what could be amazing and wonderful for the safety of not expecting much. It is totally underwhelming. Maybe the reason you are consistently disappointed with your spouse is because you expect to be. You’ve created the box your marriage lives in.

What if fulfillment in your career or intimacy in your marriage or depth in your relationships was limited only by your underwhelming expectations? What if God has something so much bigger in store for you in one of these areas, and you are missing it?

Don’t mistake satisfaction for God’s blessing. Sometimes we are too easily satisfied.

Thoughts?

When we started blogging last year, we were surprised at the response. We thought that a lot of people might struggle in their marriage; might have some issues with pornography; might have gone through an affair; might have difficulty forgiving, trusting or not controlling. We had no idea that so many people were hurting.

Emails began to pour in. People…hurting people needing hope, encouragement, and help. We would return emails. We would have conversations with people on the phone. We would meet with people in our home, on some occasions. The question we kept asking was, “Who is walking with them through this season?” Who knows the journey? Who’s walked the path? Who’s willing to track with them? Our emails weren’t sufficient. Our phone calls were inconsistent at best. There had to be a better way.

That is where the vision of Marriage Coaching was born. We knew that we couldn’t fix all marriages…but we knew that the road we have traveled is one that would be helpful to share.

The goal that we have for our Marriage Coaching program isn’t that we give couples all the answers or fix their marriage. We aren’t counselors or therapists. Our goal is to come along side couples and help them take the next step in their journey with Christ, and with each other.

What we have found is that most people don’t need textbook answers, they need a partner in the journey. We have learned over the past five years in our restoration and redemptive process that the journey looks different for everyone, but there are similar routes along the way.

Our hope is to walk with couples for a season to help bring hope, clarity, renewal and vision to the season that they are experiencing.

So we opened 4 opportunities for couples to meet with us over Skype 1 time per month, with email follow up through out the remaining month. The program is a 4-month commitment. It has gone really well. We have been able to encourage and coach and counsel 4 couples and help navigate the challenge of marriage.

We want to invite 4 more couples into our Marriage Coaching Program. You can read more about it on our resource web site: RefineOurMarriage.com. You can also read a testimonial from a couple that has participated with us in Marriage Coaching.

The new season of coaching will start the third week of September and end in December. We’d love to have you.

I have spent a lot of time on the computer lately. A.Lot.Of.Time.

Over the past few weeks, we have redesigned our blog; we launched a new resource web site: RefineOurMarriage; we are working on a book proposal; we are planning a marriage conference we are speaking at in Chicago in November…lots of hours on the computer. This is over and above the computer time I spend for my pastoral role at Cross Point.

My kids have noticed. Trisha has noticed. I have noticed. I keep telling myself it is a season. I keep telling myself normal is coming. Then I wonder have I redefined normal?

Last night, I came home with the goal of not looking at my phone or my computer until after the kids went to bed. We ate dinner together. We watched a movie. I checked homework. We tucked the kids in. At certain times I felt a sense of withdrawal…from email…from the blog…from Twitter.

As I was praying this morning, I felt God asking me… “Do you feel the same sense of withdrawal in our relationship?” When you don’t spend time with me; when you choose to engage in everything else other than me, do you feel withdrawal? Do you want to read my Word as much as email? Do you want to journal as much as write on your blog? Or is this your new normal?”

I guess today is a heart check day for me. It’s easy to write about things you’ve dealt with…harder to write about things you need to deal with.

I’m reminded today that it does me no good to have a vibrant ministry at Cross Point and a mediocre relationship with God. It is pointless to have a growing marriage ministry and a sucky marriage. It is not an option to be asked to speak at different places or to have finished a book proposal, if it comes at the cost of my relationship with my kids.

I love the ministry opportunities God, by His grace, has given me. But I don’t love them more than God. I don’t love them more than my wife. I don’t love them more than my kids.

I need my heart to hear what my head already knows.

Heart-check.

Before Trisha and I separated, we argued a lot. We still have disagreements now, but NOTHING like we used to. Our disagreements now are about things that matter.

They aren’t about something that happened five years ago; they don’t have rabbit trails that loop in my mother, Trisha forgetting my birthday in 1998, and how I didn’t mow the yard last week.

You know those kind of arguments…the kind that you can’t even remember what you started arguing about?

Been.There.

We used to argue …A LOT.

As we began to go to counseling, and started unpacking our junk, we realized that we argued (most of the time) so Trisha could get my attention. If there was conflict, then I was engaged. When I perceived things were going well with our marriage, then I pursued my own agenda. So often, Trisha would initiate conflict or react to what should have been a level 2 reaction with a level 10 reaction, because at the core of her being, she wanted my attention. She desired my participation. She longed for me to notice.

Isn’t that sad? Why did it take anger to get my attention? Why did I not pursue my wife unless there was a problem? How jacked is that?

Let me ask you to evaluate your relationships…your marriage, your friendships, your family dynamics. What does it take for you to engage? What does it require for you to pursue your wife’s heart? What is required for you to be present? What forces you to participate, not just spectate, in your relationship?

When conflict is used as a pawn in a relationship, its purpose is distorted. God often uses conflict to build intimacy. But when we have to use it for our own purposes, what was meant to build, tears down. What was designed create openness ends up creating resentment.

So many people spend the best hours of their day arguing with the people they love the most. Most of those arguments have no redemptive value at all. They are symptoms of an attention deficit.

How many arguments could you prevent by participating? How many fights might not happen if you engaged before conflict had to erupt? What if you listened more? What if you asked more questions? What if you didn’t check email at the table? What if you looked at your spouse in the eyes when they talked to you? What if you were fully present?

What if…

Do you see conflict used as a last resort attention getter in your marriage/friendships/relationships?

Have you ever bought a new car…it doesn’t have to be brand new car…but a car that was new to you? Before possessing that car, you never really saw one on the road. You could have passed one often, but you never noticed it. But when YOU buy that car, all of a sudden it seems like everyone and their mother has your car. No matter where you go, someone is driving YOUR car. The truth is, they’ve always had YOUR car, but you only notice it after you own it.

For me, the same thing happens when I read Scripture. I have read passages of Scripture hundreds of times, but some how after I recognize an issue or a sin pattern or a fault in my life that particular passage jumps off the page and I notice it in a way I never have before. This happened to me yesterday as Pete was reading Genesis 2:25… “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”

There is a shame epidemic in Christianity today. So many people feel ashamed. Ashamed in their friendships. Ashamed in their marriages. Ashamed in their relationship with God. Shame puts a choke-hold on grace. What you experience is living knowing you are free from the penalty of sin, but feeling as though you are not.

What jumps out to me about this passage is that there is a definite connection between nakedness and shame. Naked doesn’t just describe Adam and Eve’s physical appearance…it describes the condition of their heart. It illustrates their relationship with God.

Our willingness to live naked…to live exposed…to come out of hiding will determine the amount of shame with which we live. We can’t understand why we can’t grow in our intimacy with God. We can’t figure out why all of our friendships come to a standstill after the same exact amount of time. We convince ourselves that the pseudo-intimacy we experience in our marriage is as good as the real thing. Shame diminishes our potential for intimacy in every aspect of our life.

God’s desire for us is:

• Bare
• Open
• Exposed
• Uncovered
• Honest
• Known

What we live in is:

• Hidden
• Disguised
• Secret
• Concealed
• Buried
• Unknown

Adam and Eve hid behind fig leaves and thought that God wouldn’t see them.

I hide behind my reputation; my income; my status; my talent; my career; my smile; my ability to fake you out. What this type of hiding leads to is shame…and shame is the enemy of the life God longs for you to have.

Maybe today, you are experiencing shame in your life; in your marriage; in your friendships; in your relationship with God because for some time you have been unwilling to be naked. You have counted the cost of baring your soul and exposing your heart to God or to another…and the cost seems to high.

It will cost you something. To live naked will cost you a lot. But what you will gain is being known and feeling no shame.

Thoughts?

There are few things in this life that are more exhausting than living for the opinion of others.

I lived most of my life for the opinion of others. Trying to impress others. It was pointless in the end.  When I had an affair, was separated from my wife, resigned from the church I pastored, waited tables at P.F. Changs, and only saw my kids a few times a week…I realized that living for what other people thought of me was a miserable way to live. It was exhausting.

Maybe you are there…right now. You are worn-out. You are weary. You have forgotten who you are because you have spent so much time trying to be something for someone else.

You are tired:

• Tired of performing
• Tired of persuading
• Tired of impressing
• Tired of posing
• Tired of faking
• Tired from your past
• Tired of fighting for approval
• Tired of trying to make up for your mistakes
• Tired of proving yourself
• Tired of not being seen for who you really are

Maybe you’ve lived so much for the opinion of others you’ve lost sight of God’s opinion of you:

• Your past is forgiven
• Your future is secure
• You are loved for who you are
• Your true self is all God desires
• Your mistakes are wiped clean
• Your performance doesn’t earn God’s love
• Who you are is impressive enough

My prayer for you today is that you will find life and energy and purpose in pursuing God’s opinion of you.

In what area of your life is it time to say “so long public opinion”?

I’ve always thought that the opposite of fear was courage. Growing up, every time I would express fear, my dad would tell me to be brave. When my kids tell me they are scared, I remind them that courage isn’t not being fearful; courage is overcoming fear. So many sermons that I’ve given over fifteen years have had to do with overcoming fear with courageous faith. Obviously, courage is very much linked to fear, but courage isn’t the opposite of fear.

According the thesaurus, the opposite of fear…is safety. The opposing feeling to being scared is feeling secure. Maybe I’m the last one to this party, but that is very interesting to me. As I began to think about this, I started thinking about my life, my marriage, my ministry, and my relationships. I have spent much more time trying to be a courageous Christian than I have a secure Christian. I have spent much more time trying to prove how brave I am, how much faith I have than I have spent resting in the safety of my relationship with God.

In fact, I believe that in the Church as a whole, we spend much more time trying to prove how brave we are, trying to convince one another how courageous we are…our fear still robs us of our security. We still live without a sense of safety.

I am not talking about safety in the sense of “not taking risks”; (that is a different kind of safe) I’m talking about feeling so secure in your relationship with God that you don’t fear others noticing your imperfections.

In this sense, I believe we have made the Church the least safe place on earth. Part of our passion with RefineUs is to change the culture of the church so that pastors, their wives and those of us who make up The Church feel safe:

• Safe to be real
• Safe to feel stressed out
• Safe to be imperfect
• Safe to admit marriage problems
• Safe to not have all the answers
• Safe to make parenting mistakes
• Safe to not have it all together
• Safe to admit failure, struggle, sin, addiction

Do we have a passion to help men and women whose spouse has broken trust? Yes. Do we have a heart to coach and mentor couples that are trying to recover from adultery, or a pornography addiction? Yes. Do we have a desire to counsel pastors who have lost their ministry and their marriage because of poor choices? Yes.

But what if we could be a part of creating a safe place for pastors to be themselves? What if there was a place for them to seek help without the fear of being criticized or judged or fired? What if we could help save their marriage and their ministry before it implodes?

That is the heart behind our Pastor to Pastor program. We want to provide a place where pastors and their wives can feel safe to admit hurt, weakness and heartache so that they can find healing and wholeness. So that The Church can be whole as well.

Question today: have you tried to overcome your fear by just being brave, and not pursued security in Christ?

Sin has a way of messing with your mind. It wears you down. I think that sin’s greatest strength is not that it causes you to take giant leaps away from God…its that it lures you into tiny, unnoticeable, justifiable steps. It doesn’t always come against you with blatant lies; it just distorts and twists the truth. It hides, it compromises, it shades, and it bends.

What we begin to believe is that choosing our own way will work out. It will be okay. We can get over it. People will heal. It’s not that big of a deal. What we begin to convince ourselves of is 2 months from now…life will be better.

Maybe you’re contemplating sin right now. It talks to you. It taunts you.

It’s not an affair…it’s just text messages. A little Internet porn never hurt anyone. You deserve to have someone listen to you, and if your husband won’t you’re your old boyfriend on Facebook is the next best thing.  Your wife doesn’t admire or respect you anymore, but your secretary does. Leaving your wife won’t damage your kids that much. Telling one lie doesn’t make you a liar. It’s not cheating; you’re just being flirtatious.

I.Have.Been.There.

When I told my wife that I didn’t want to be married anymore; that I would be happier without her; that she would be happier without me; I was leaving her; it was because I had convinced myself that my way will be better. 2 months from now, it will all blow over and life will be back to normal.

Can I share with you from personal experience…if you are contemplating or involved sin…here is what I learned the hard way:

• 2 months from now the grass will not be greener
• 2 months from now the lie will not be truth
• 2 months from now your kids will not be over it
• 2 months from now your pornography addiction will not be more manageable
• 2 months from now text messages will be more sensual not less
• 2 months from now seeing your kids every other weekend will still suck
• 2 months from now you won’t be happier without your wife
• 2 months from now what you’re hiding will not be easier to bury
• 2 months from now your ability to carry your regret will dwindle
• 2 months from now you’ll be further away from God than you ever thought possible

We are a product of our decisions. What you decide today…the compromise you choose today…the justification you settle for today…will greatly affect who you are and who you become 2 months from now.

Has sin ever blinded you to the consequences of  your choices?

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