Desperate

This past weekend, Trisha and I had the opportunity to speak at Parkview Christian Church. It is an amazing church and we were honored to spend the weekend with them.

Sunday morning, we finished our message during the 9AM service and walked down to the front row of seating as the special music started. At that moment, something happened that has never happened to us in any environment.

A man from the audience ran down the aisle and fell at Trish’s feet. In front of us and 2000 other people in the room, he collapsed into her shoulders, shaking and sobbing so hard he could barely keep himself up. The music was playing but all I could hear was this man saying, “I’m desperate for God. I’m desperate for grace. I’ve messed up so bad. I am desperate.” He just knelt there and cried and cried. When the song was over, he got up and went back to his seat.

There is something beautiful about raw brokenness. You know it when you see it. It was a holy moment. We were simply over hearing the his prayers as he was sobbing them to God.

If I’m honest, I’m not desperate for God enough. I want God. I need God…but not desperately. I am aware but fail to acknowledge often enough that he is my only hope.

As I’ve thought about it this week, I think there are a few things that keep you and me in our seat and not on our knees.

Pride: I’m not desperate for God because I think I can be him. I can be smart enough. I can earn money. I can solve problems. I can figure things out. I can choose what is best. I can make the right decisions. It is because of our pride that it often takes pain, loss or tragedy to bring about change in our hearts. God allows life and circumstances to strip us of all of the things we take pride in so we reattach our hope to him.

Insecurity: We are insecure about what others think of us. Admitting we don’t have it all together could change their opinion of us. What will they think? How will they respond? Our reputation has become more important than authentic faith. We play a part for people rather than sharing our real selves with them. We put a lot of energy into building our image but we lose our desperation for God in the process.

Fear: What if God doesn’t come through? What if we acknowledge that He is our only hope and then He lets us down? If we control the situation. If we manipulate people and circumstances then at least we can semi-know the outcome. But if we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and God leaves us hanging….then what? Fear is why we become really good at surrendering parts of our heart and parts of our life to God but not our full selves…because we need a back up plan, just in case.

I want to be desperate for God. Not desperate for what God can do for me or give me, but simply desperate for Him. I am asking God to take away any pride, insecurity or fear that keeps me sitting and observing Him and not on my knees worshipping Him.