Unknown Expectations
Aug 28, 2022We’ve written a lot on our blog about expectations. We have learned the hard way that an unspoken expectation is always an unmet expectation. We have written about the Reverse Messiah Complex and how we expected each other to be our messiah. We’ve talked about unrealistic expectations and how we can set ourselves up for failure when we aren’t realistic about what we expect from our spouse.
One of the things that Trisha and I have been navigating over the past few weeks is an expectation I didn’t even know I had. It was an unknown and unseen expectation, but it had a huge impact on us.
Over the past few months, we have not been on the same page, and we couldn’t figure out why. Not huge fights or knock down drag out arguments…just little misses that put distance between us.
Our schedule has been very full. Lots of traveling. Lots of speaking. Lots of meetings and writing and meetings about our writing. Lots of pressure to figure out our future and the future of RefineUs. Lots of emails. Lots of transition-moving and high school orientation and entrance exams and basketball games.
We were walking through this together. We talked about our schedule. We coordinated our calendar. We planned our marriage conference and strategized about our book together. So what was up with this reoccurring distance?
Here is the root of our issue…I had an expectation…not even a known expectation for Trisha to react and respond to circumstances and situations like I respond.
Without even knowing it, I was holding her hostage for not being like me. I had this expectation that if she didn’t react to stress or pressure or speaking engagements or email responses or time away from the kids or calendar madness like I did, then she wasn’t doing it right. My way was better.
Finally, the other day I was reading through my Power of a Praying Husband book and it hit me: I have been asking Trisha to be someone she isn’t designed to be. I wasn’t outwardly trying to change her, but inwardly I felt like she wasn’t trying hard enough or doing enough to meet my expectations.
Maybe this is an issue in your marriage. You want your spouse to see finances like you see them. You want them to stay up late and get up early like you do. You want them to be an extrovert and the life of the party like you are. You want them to be laid back like you are. You want them to have the capacity for work that you have. You have what is maybe an unknown expectation that your spouse react to hurt and disappointment or success and achievement like you react to it. What you want is for them to be more like you…but what you rob them of is the joy of being who God created them to be.
Maybe its not with your spouse…maybe you are expecting a friend or a sibling or a co-worker to live life like you. To love like you; forgive like you; react like you; relate like you. You are frustrated and your friendship or relationship is fractured.
It was a huge win for me to say to Trisha, “I’m sorry for expecting you to be like me.” There was freedom in those words…for her and for me.
Maybe you could set someone free today and in the process find freedom for yourself.
